I Am Not Ready
You’re never actually ready.
No matter how much preparing you do, no matter how many conversations you have, no matter how many steps you take toward acceptance, when it comes down to it, you’re never ready.
Today was hard. It was supposed to be a beautiful day, our third and final baby shower before our daughter arrives in five days. But I wasn’t prepared for the wave of emotions that hit me before it even began.
I woke up early, took a shower, and then had a Zoom call with my postpartum doula, where I tried to be open, as usual, about our life. I spoke freely about my fears — about howI might not be enough for both AmyLou once she’s born, and for Tanner as he is nearing the end of his earthly journey. I was surprised when I found myself choking up during the conversation. I thought I was “prepared,” but the truth is, I wasn’t.
And then, the day kept unfolding — but the cracks in my heart deepened.
Tanner had planned to join me at the shower, but he woke up in pain and decided to stay home. He’d hoped to go to a Star Wars-themed resort together the next day, but when he couldn’t even make it to the baby shower seven minutes away, I knew something was off. The weight of his illness is starting to feel even heavier.
The shower itself was lovely. Family and a few of Tanner’s parents’ friends gathered, and AmyLou was showered with love, as usual. But when I got home, things began to pivot back to hard. Tanner’s dad had been sitting with him while I was gone, and left as planned once I got there. About 30 minutes after, I heard Tanner ask, “Where’s my dad?”
I let him know his dad had gone home…I could see the struggle in his eyes. He started to cry, and I sat next to him, letting him cry, holding him. He shared he didn’t feel well enough for the Star Wars get-away and added, “I just can’t do anything anymore” with tears rolling down his face. It broke me in a way I don’t have words for.
We went upstairs to my parent’s house to wait for Tanner’s friend Jake, who had come to play some hymns with a Star Wars twist. Jake had plans to play these songs at Tanner’s funeral, and he wanted to make sure Tanner liked what he had prepared.
I overheard Tanner speaking with my parents. He said, “I don’t feel good… emotionally, I don’t feel good. I can’t eat, I can’t drink. I see guys in my cancer group get to this point, they turn into skeletons and then they die.”
The fear in his voice was palpable. In that moment, he was confronting the reality of where his body was, and where it’s taking him.
We all cried together.
Jake arrived and played the most beautiful combinations of hymns. One was “If You Could High to Kolob” with the Force theme, and the other, “God Be With You Til We Meet Again” paired with Leia’s theme. The music, a sacred blend of faith and Star Wars, kept the tears flowing, and in that moment, I saw how deep our love for Tanner runs, and how much I’m going to miss him.
Afterward, I helped Tanner back downstairs and into bed, and as I made my way upstairs, the overwhelming weight of it all hit me. I started to cry. I told my parents, “I am not ready for life without Tanner.” I cried, “I’m going to be so alone without him.” And, “I don’t want to do life without him.”
And the truth is, I’m not ready.
Even after everything, the planning, the therapy, the honest conversations, I am not ready. I want him here with me. I want him here for our daughter. I want him here to hold my hand through the hardest parts of life, and I want to be able to hold his.
In five days, our daughter will be born, and Tanner will be there, as much as he can. But the reality of losing him is already here.
I’m not ready.
Talk, write, cry, scream..do what YOU need. God knows you are strong, he gives these crappy situations to those who he believes are the strongest and can handle it. Truth is, it’s nearly impossible.
Your little girl will know Tanner, have him write her a letter for every birthday until her 18th…if he can…hold those letters…she’ll love them . Tanner will be watching is his own way.
I, a total stranger, will be here for you to listen to your words, grief and worry…I won’t have answers but I will have an ear.
I love you guys 🫶🏽🫶🏽🥺
This broke me to read and the truth is it’s so real to feel like this. We are never ready to lose our loved ones I have no advice I have no words that would help all I can say is we see you, we see your pain and we are all here for you no matter what. Love to you and tanner from Australia
Oh Shay, I have no words but I’m sending you the biggest hug. Thank you for sharing everything. You and tanner are so special.
My heart breaks for you both. Thank you for connecting us all through your journey.
I’m so sorry you guys are going through this. Sometimes every hospital treats a cancer patient differently. I go to Stanford Cancer center in Palo Alto california, they are amazing! Second opinions are always good. My friend lived in Chicago and her husband had a rare testicular cancer, the doctors practically killed him. I wish she would have reached out . Blessing and my prayers go to your fam.
So sorry for both of you. 😢My prayers are with you, that Jesus gives you both strength and peace and comfort in your hurting and your brokenness. Much love to you🙏♥️😢
No words I can write compare to what you feel in your heart and soul. Thank you for writing the raw and honest truth. I wouldnt be ready either, ever. Hugs.
My heart hurts for you both and I am praying that Tanner has a rebound for the birth of your daughter and that her arrival bring him peace on his journey!
You are strong. I send you a big warm hug.
Loss is devastating. You’ve both prepared yourselves as much as you possibly could. Sadly the reality is you don’t know what it really is and how it really feels until you’re there. Life is not fair and is especially not fair in your and Tanner’s case. Neither of you should be in this position. I wish I could lift the pain away but unfortunately it’s your pain and loss to bear. I wish I could hug you and tell you it will all be OK. Your grief is so personal and you will find your way through it. Holding space for you and Tanner in my heart. Even though I only met you once I do love you and am heartbroken for you both and AmyLou and your families.
My heart breaks for you, sweet girl. You’ll get through and raise your daughter well, but it’s not the life you planned and grief will be there. There’s no way to imagine your new life, but you and Amy Lou will a life to honor Tanner. ❤️
Your vulnerable is so inspiring. What I am taking away from yours and Tanner’s journey is that you can be prepared for the practical aspects of death but it’s the only emotional aspects that come out of nowhere. Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking journey with the world. I think that you sharing will make dealing with end of life issues just a little bit easier.
Praying so hard for you and your family 🫶🏼
I think you and Tanner are some of the bravest and strongest people I know. How could you ever be “ready” to lose the love of your life? Your approach to his illness and death is a testament to your love for him and for God. I pray with every fiber Tanner can hold on until the baby comes so he can view the little miracle he helped create. Know there is so much love and prayer for you and Tanner coming from Arkansas! 💕
Sending you both so much love and so many prayers. ❤️🙏🏻❤️
I only stumbled onto your IG page my accident, but a mere days after watching the final episode of “Dying for Sex” for the fifth time. It’s so rare to see the topic of (and act of) death and dying in mainstream media, let alone someone young and to do so with such honesty. Then I came across this story you’ve shared of Tanner’s life and illness, and I’m so touched by it all. I cried from a deep pocket in my soul that must’ve needed it when I saw his headstone and the Star Wars quote – so apropos. The piano accompaniment by his friend is beautiful. What a gift to be able to know it’s your time, and to be able to say goodbyes and make amends. I know it must not feel like one (a gift) at times, but someday I believe you will. My heart and mind are with you two tonight, one internet stranger to another, in quiet shared solidarity that this all sucks.
Hi Shay,
I just discovered your account the other week. Reading this really hit home for me… I lost my mom to Multiple Sclerosis on Easter this year. So many of my journal entries read just like this post. I’m so sorry you and Tanner have to go through this. While watching a loved one near death, day by and day, is traumatic- it is also an honor at the same time. I wish I had better words to share, but I hope you know that you are SEEN. And you and Tanner will be okay, no matter what. Even though I don’t know you, I am keeping you both in my thoughts.
Sending you love and comfort during this challenging time. We’re never ready, honestly.. even with therapy and other rituals. May his love for you and your new baby shine through her eyes.
Sending you both so much love ❤️ you and your family are in my thoughts.
Prayers going up for you and Tanner
I’m so very sorry for your anticipatory grief. Shay. It’s a hard thing to experience🙏💜. Our family has been through it. Praying for you guys💜 May the Lord give you strength and perseverance. And when you’re ready….Tim Challies Seasons of sorrow esp chapter 9 Precious little AmyLou is everything!🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Spend as much time as you possible can with him. Sending strength your way.
I am so sorry, Shay. These moments are tough. Your life is tough, but, God will help you , every step of the way. Sending ❤️🙏🏻❤️ and sincere congratulations on the birth of your beautiful AmyLou.
What a blessing it is to have someone put together something so special for Tanner. My heart goes out to you all 🙏❤️
Prayers. Just prayers for you and your family. I hope you’re enjoying all the time you can as a family of 3 right now.
You are stronger than you know.
Wow. That was emotional to read. You are both SO inspirational and thank you for sharing this with others.
Wishing you both love from the UK.
May god hold you close, sending love
I know you are still celebrating the birth of your daughter but I am just catching up on your blog. My apologies. I just read this and my heart hurts so much for all of you . It really does.
I’m praying God gives you the strength. You will be an amazing mother and Tanner will always be with you, in your heart and mind. Though your grief you will find joy and laughter of the countless memories you have shared and when you look at your daughter you will see a part of him.
This was sad to read but beautiful at the same time. I’m new to your page and love seeing you both with your new little girl. The love that you both share is a love that will last forever. Your little one is going to feel the love of her daddy forever as well. Praying for your family to have love and support for all things to come. Your friend Emily