I never thought I’d be sitting at the table with my husband in my late 20s shopping for a funeral package. I never thought we’d be deciding where he’ll be buried, what songs will play, or what kind of bench we want designed for our baby girl to sit on when she wants to feel close to him.
This is the kind of pain you don’t plan for. But love makes you do things you never imagined.
We are preparing for the end of Tanner’s life… while still living inside of it. Each decision has tears, laughter, intentionality, memories, fear and deep lasting love.
Some people view our acceptance as giving up. But this is not giving up. This is our way of holding on. Holding on to peace. Hold on to some sense of control. Holding on to each other.
Here’s what we’ve done so far to prepare for the moment we know will come someday.
We Bought Burial Plots
If you know Tanner on a personal level, you know he brings humor to everything. I have this video of us at the cemetery, and he presents it to the world as “my future home.” Here’s that video:
Shopping for burial plots (TikTok)
In talking about if we wanted deep or double deep (this is how deep they dig, the deeper you go more people can be buried there). Tanner’s response was “listen, your future husband can be buried with us but he’ll be at the foot of the bed.” LOL!
We picked a beautiful spot together where you can see the mountains in one direction, and Utah Lake in the other. Tanner’s only complaint was that there was no suntree and the sun would be in his eyes, haha!
“Fun Fact”: Most people don’t know this, but burial plots can cost anywhere from $1,000 to $4,000 depending on the location.
We Purchased a Funeral Package
Purchasing a funeral package was a longer appointment than I had anticipated. Tanner was a little more emotional with this process, and tears were shed.
We sat in an office with someone who has these conversations every day, although she doesn’t often have those conversations with couples as young as us. We had to choose between things like: cremation or burial, casket or urn, viewing or just the funeral, weekday or weekend. How many death certificates did we want? Did Tanner want to be embalmed? Which flowers would he like? What kind of program? Sheesh! The logistics of death don’t care how much you’re grieving. Which honestly, it was nice to get this done so far in advance so when Tanner does die, my only “job” is to grieve.
“Fun Fact”: Burial can cost $7,000–$12,000. Cremation, a little less—$4,000 to $7,000 on average. We didn’t choose based on cost. We chose what felt most him.
This is a TikTok we filmed about the process
We Met (and continue to meet) With a Death Doula
So, what the heck is a death doula? A death doula is someone who walks with you through the dying process; emotionally, spiritually, practically. Ours is named Cami (here’s her website), not only is she a death doula but she has been a hospice social worker, and is now also a clinical therapist that works a lot with grief.
Doulas, like Cami, can help with the process of “shopping” for plots, funeral packages, paperwork. Why is there SO MUCH paperwork to die???
Cami has sat with us in our sorrow. She has asked us the questions no one else knew how to ask, and even led family discussions about death and dying. She helped us put words to the grief, and the beauty, and the ache.
Here is more of what we have done with her!
Work we’ve done with our death doula (TikTok)
We Did the Paperwork
Like I said, Cami helped a lot with this.
An Advanced Directive is a legal document that outlines your wishes for medical care if you become unable to speak for yourself. It can include instructions on life-sustaining treatments, pain management, and whether you want to be resuscitated. It often includes naming a healthcare proxy—someone you trust to make decisions on your behalf.
A POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) is a medical order completed with a doctor that reflects your current wishes for end-of-life treatment. It’s typically for people with serious illness or frailty and includes decisions about CPR, hospital transfers, feeding tubes, etc. Unlike an advanced directive, it is signed by a physician and meant to be followed immediately by emergency responders and medical staff.
A Will is a legal document that explains how you want your assets, property, and belongings distributed after your death. It can also name guardians for your children and an executor to carry out your wishes. It helps prevent legal complications and ensures your legacy is passed on the way you intend.
It’s the kind of paperwork that isn’t fun to fill out, but doing it was our way of protecting the people we’ll leave behind from confusion and pain. A large act of love, peace, giving the gift of clarity when so much feels uncertain.
We Planned Tanner’s Celebration of Life
Our doula presented this as an option, and then someone in our church congregation suggested recording Tanner’s life story. We decided to combine the two together, and have a life story movie premiere!
You guys this was so fun! It was a black tie event, think limo, red carpet, photo backdrop, photographer, IN A MOVIE THEATER!!!!!!!
Here is the link to his life story: Tanner’s Movie
And here are some photos and videos from Tanner’s Celebration:
Tanner’s Life Movie Premiere (TikTok)
We Planned His Funeral, Too
We planned Tanner’s funeral because we want it to FEEL like him.
I know this will shock you…. But there are huge nods to Star Wars here. Crazy I know.
Tanner wants people to wear something Star Wars-ee, whether that is his Rebels Against Cancer shirts, a tie, a pin. He also wants people to bring a Star Wars sticker to put on his casket before it is buried. He even asked for a harp to play Star Wars music, and I found someone to do it!
Tanner also chose his speakers, who he wants to give the prayers, the music he wants sung together and the musical numbers performed. He also chose the pallbearers for his casket.
We Designed and Purchased a Memorial Bench
We didn’t want a typical headstone. We wanted something our daughter could sit on. A place where she could talk to him, cry, or just be. A place that feels like presence, not absence.
Here is the design process & a picture of what we designed:
Designing a headstone (TikTok)
Another “fun fact”: Memorial headstones or benches can cost between $1,500 and $12,000. But for us, it’s a place for us to come back to and talk with him. Although I don’t think that can only be done at his grave. I think we will feel connected to Tanner in so many ways. Actually…when asked on a TikTok live “Tanner what do you want Shay & Jiaozi to see and think of you?” His first response was “a pooping dog”…(face palm)… haha. And then on a more serious note he said Star Wars and smiling faces.
We’re Working on Legacy Projects for Our Daughter
This is hard but so special to us. Tanner is writing letters. Recording videos. Making her playlists. Creating a trail of love she can follow long after he’s gone. We want her to hear his voice, feel his words, know him and know how deeply she is loved, forever.
There’s no map for this. Just two parent’s hearts doing everything we can to stay connected as a family.
Here are somethings we have done to preserve Tanner’s legacy for our daughter:
This is what love looks like in the face of loss. It’s planning a funerals while still traveling together. It’s writing letters while watching movies together.
We’re not ready. We never will be. But we’re choosing to meet this season with intention, with tenderness, and with eyes wide open.
Because even preparing for dying, there can still be so much life.