For one small second, the world stopped spinning.
At least, it felt like it did.
It paused, just long enough for me to feel the weight of what I lost.
And then, just like that, it kept turning. Like nothing happened.
It’s the weirdest feeling.
To lose your person. Your love.
And then scroll through your phone and see life… continuing.
One post about Tanner’s passing.
The next, a meme.
And don’t get me wrong, I know so many of you did stop.
You’ve cried with me. Prayed with me.
You rooted for him, for us, for this little family we were building in the middle of the hardest season of our lives.
You showed up with messages, meals, donations, comments, and kindness when I had nothing left.
You knew him. Maybe not in person, but in the way that matters.
But still, it’s strange.
To hold the biggest grief of your life in one hand, and then try to live in a world that just keeps going with the other.
I think what messes with me is how fast everything moves.
Tanner is physically gone.
And everything else just… keeps moving.
Jiaozi (my daughter’s nickname) still needs me. Luke still barks at the door. The laundry still piles up.
The internet keeps scrolling. Grief beside giggles. Loss beside lifestyle.
It’s disorienting.
Sometimes I want to yell at the algorithm:
“Wait. Do you know what just happened?!”
Do you remember who he was?
How good and funny and brave and so freaking alive he was?
But I also know Tanner wouldn’t want to be remembered in silence.
He’d want the laughter to return.
He was the king of sarcastic comments, dark humor, and finding something ridiculous to laugh at in even the worst situations.
Still… this part hurts.
To be living in the aftermath of something so big, and to watch the world carry on.
But then I remember—so many of you are carrying him too.
In the way you speak about him.
In the things you’ve said about love and courage and finding light in dark places.
In the fact that, even if it’s just for a second, you paused when he left.
So maybe the world didn’t stop.
But some of you did.
And I felt that.
And it mattered.
I love you Tanner.
Isn’t it strange how the world keeps moving forward while you’re paralyzed? How do all these people, living their lives, not know what this world has lost? But you carry on and hope the one you love the most will be remembered.
Tanner will never be forgotten. All the good you continue to do in his name will keep his memory alive. But I will always miss the “Hi, it’s me Tanner”
It was an honor to meet you and Tanner and have him lift me up and encourage me when he was so very sick.
Sending so much love your way.